Word to your Mummy

At the frontline of middle class parenting

Middle of the Road

There are plenty of articles that can tell you the tell tale signs that you live with a toddler; sticky handprints on the wall, loo roll RE-ROLLED by hand back onto the inner cardboard tube and small plastic figurines strewn all over the kitchen floor.

But how can you tell the really important things about your toddler like his views on the world and his place within it; his social nuances and psychological make up? It’s these things that tell you what sort of person your toddler will become. In short, is your toddler Middle Class?

If you’re unsure, here’s a handy quiz to find out. Here is a list of middle class toddlers going about their daily lives. How many of these activities do you recognise in your own children?

Sophia is tidying up before the cleaning lady arrives

Finn is doing downward dog

Otis is saving the planet by, just, you know, recycling stuff

Betty knows her quinoa from her cous cous

Henry knows that owning lots of Apple products make him seem more creative

Luca is ordering a babycino to go!

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Lottie loves mooching at the farmers market

Rufus believes in the two state settlement but just doesn’t like to discuss it on Facebook

Arthur is making healthy living a real priority these days, one smoothie at a time

Orla feels that Glastonbury is her Haight-Ashbury

Oliver loves organising bake offs to help raise funds for his worthy causes and the 10k race fees

Luca + Scandinavian = Cool

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No matter how hard you try, Luca knows, playdate conversation will always come back to schools and houses

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Ruby loves holidaying in Brittany, but still dreams of discovering Bora Bora one day

Hector would rather die than say toilet

Archie is telling everyone he is on day 2 of his 30 day abs challenge

Ivy digs tupperware

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Betsy knows that there isn’t a person alive for whom there isn’t an ideal birthday present at Oliver Bonas

Lottie and Gracie are excited to have completed their Boden wish list for September

How middle class are your toddlers?

Look Who’s Talking

One great benefit of having children is you no longer need to talk to your partner directly ever again. Why bother, when you can communicate everything via your children as long as your partner is in ear shot? In fact, you can apply this means of communication to all your friends and even total strangers by just making sure they are in close range while you say what you daren’t […]

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The 90s Revival

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The 90s are back in fashion, complete with oversized logo sweatshirts, DM boots and spaghetti strap floral print dresses with tight white t shirts underneath. It’s enough to put a mother off fashion entirely. I was young enough in the 80s to be able to cope with the irony of that particular revival and got a warm glow to see neon fingerless gloves back in the shops along with Hello […]

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The end of the Hipster Parent

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When a new bar opened in Eastenders and Sharon started serving drinks in jam jars, there was a social media frenzy; it marked the beginning of the end for the hipster. Shoreditch already feels like a brand as manufactured as One Direction or Starbucks with its “dirty burgers”, paint by numbers gritty urban decay and affluent young men and women dressed (ironically) as if they are homeless, who tell you […]

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Making a Mumback: Part 2

The week before you return to work from maternity leave with your first child is filled with dizzying highs and terrifying lows. Going back a second time seems even harder and it’s not just double the guilt. I feel more disconnected from the workplace and don’t even recognise the team. I am nervous, lack confidence and have zero to wear. I am like the friend of a friend’s fifteen year […]

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Making a Mumback: Part 1

On Monday I will return to work following my second maternity leave. I would love to breeze through the doors looking confident and stylish, swinging an empty briefcase ready to get stuck straight back in while the team greet me with a standing ovation, a sigh of relief and a welcome back cappuccino. In reality though I am nervous, lack confidence and have zero to wear. I feel as though […]

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Holiday Wardrobe

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Alexa Chung is tweeting the countdown to her holiday and I’m sure, like the rest of us, she is struggling the night before she leaves as to know what to pack. I don’t doubt that Alexa, like me, is drunk on two glasses of Sauvignon Blanc ironing children’s clothes dry and weighing up whether to take 1) an outfit a day for each child or 2) less children’s clothes but […]

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Vintage Parenting

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Our children have never had it so good. If you were born in the twenty first century you will have never known life without the internet, you will have a mobile phone before you are ten and you will already have access to a tablet device. Children can speak to granny in Australia for free, youtube provides hours of free entertainment as well a fantastic visual way to learn and […]

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My Dad

This week sees the launch of an inspirational Dementia campaign with glossy celebrities singing the Beatles classic “With a little help from my friends” and there’s a (surprisingly young) woman describing how she copes since receiving her dementia diagnosis. “At Christmas when you get your Christmas tree lights out, a couple of them don’t work, well that’s kind of what dementia’s like” explains Gina. The campaign encourages us all to […]

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Sleep is the new Sex

“Hmmm…that was fantastic.” A man in his late 30s scoops his arms around my friend as she stands at the kitchen sink and kisses her, nuzzling her neck. She is giggling, “ooh, my pleasure.” I have not accidentally stumbled into some fist bitingly embarrassing piece of pillow talk between two hot new lovers. Rather, we are staying for the weekend in this apparent Suffolk love nest and my friend is […]

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