Making a Mumback: Part 2

The week before you return to work from maternity leave with your first child is filled with dizzying highs and terrifying lows. Going back a second time seems even harder and it’s not just double the guilt. I feel more disconnected from the workplace and don’t even recognise the team. I am nervous, lack confidence and have zero to wear. I am like the friend of a friend’s fifteen year old daughter put on work experience with no clue what to say, where to sit, what to do – except I don’t have youth on my side.

But, I’m fighting back. I haven’t worked for this long and for this hard just to quit. I’m going to return and show them what they’ve been missing. And if, like me, you are too old to be young, but not ready to be farmed out for glue here’s how to make the perfect Mumback.

1. Look the part

It would be great if I could tell you that this is all a matter of old fashioned roll your sleeves up hard work, a splash of networking and a dollop of office politics. Phooey. People will be judging you on how fat you are, on how well put together you are and how far behind you’ve left the souring breast milk pooling in your bra and blackened mashed banana up your sleeve. This might be something of a mug of water chucked on the feminist fire but you will probably feel better for it anyway. I’m not going to tell anyone what to wear, as only you know that, but I will say don’t bother going really fashionable and don’t bother digging out all the clothes before you had children; that knitted dress from Oasis never looked that good even then. Start afresh with lots of basic items, a decent jacket and some show stopping pieces like a fuck off big necklace. You can certainly treat yourself to a couple of grown up (i.e. expensive) items, otherwise what’s the point of returning to work in the first place?

I would also add a little personal grooming; a new haircut, eyebrow trim and manicure. I’m not saying all over body wax, unless you are a dancer in a place called something like Sophisticats, in which case OK then, and bravo for finding childcare that will cover your shifts.

2. Make the most of your new found skills

Looking after two children for a year is no mean feat. Core competencies for the role include communication, problem solving, multi-tasking, strategising, creativity and pretending to listen/ignore to lovely/frustrating little people in equal measure. Essentially the same skills required for your job.

Given I am able to cook a nutritious meal for two small children, using only a toaster and a microwave while also completing a jigsaw, paying peekaboo and emptying the dishwasher, I can certainly knock up a business plan in the time it takes someone to set up the flip chart and locate a working felt tip pen.

Negotiating with a small child has the hall marks of the most sophisticated of mediators. I can’t help but think that when the allies were preparing for the Potsdam Conference they put paid to traditional diplomats’ training and instead prepared by looking after a tired toddler for a week with no access to Cbeebies.

These skills are invaluable in the workplace. Mothers admittedly do have the habit of downing tools at 1730 hours in the dot to go and collect children, but I bet they are the most efficient, controlled and professional of employees while at work.

3. Organise

As someone who used to wake at 8.20am, hungover, with no clean tights or pants with a 9am meeting in west London, this is not an area of strength for me. The big secret is that it’s all in the evening planning. I see the paradigm thus; if something takes one minute the night before, it will take 10 minutes the morning after. This seems to apply to everything; finding clothes, keys, writing a £3 cheque for a toddler’s nursery outing, having an argument with your husband. Everything. Do it the night before.

You should also make a list of who is on your team. They are your enablers and you must use them. My team consists of my mum, my mother in law, my cleaning lady, Staff at the nursery, the Ocado app, Peso from The Octonauts. You’ll notice I didn’t say my husband. Given he’s an actual parent he doesn’t get a name check. He also doesn’t know how to work the washing machine so he’s no use to me.

4. Take Part

The executive N word; networking. This is never going to be popular but you need to pour some energy into coffees, lunches and chatting to people at the water cooler. You’ve just spent the last year discussing cracked nipples, poo and your sex life with women you barely know over a latte in soft play, so what’s the difference?

Move away from doing personal admin in your swivel chair and get out there and let the office know you’re back. Think about what you would say to your children if they were in a room of people they didn’t know at school or at a party – you would nudge them forward and tell them to go and say “hello” knowing that most people are nice and only as human as the rest of us and that by building up a network whether social or at work, you are more likely to get things done and have fun.

5. Believe in your own fabulousness

I don’t for a second mean that you have to be fabulous. It’s exhausting to have to pretend to be on top of your shit every hour of every day with a sensational wardrobe, pretty little well behaved children, hosting successful dinner parties while you also learn Mandarin. That’s what Gwyneth Paltrow has been set on this planet to do, and I think it’s good to know that one human being has got that weird niche covered. For the rest of us just saying that we tried and that we worked hard is enough. Being fabulous is about doing the shit you are already doing even if that’s just getting up, being nice to people, watching telly and ringing your mum. Your life doesn’t need to be the montage from Legally Blonde. Your own fabulousness is already obvious to everyone.

• Making a Mumback: Part 1
• The end of the Hipster Parent

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