This month I will be thirty seven. I am not exactly middle aged, more’s the pity, because at least then I could eschew every clubbing night out to work my way through the Desert Island Discs archive while spending Sundays meeting a friend for a coffee in my local garden centre. Sadly, I am only the fringes of middle age. I am stuck in some horrendous flabby middle ground, the Pre-Middle.
Here are my thoughts on the tell tale signs that you’re a Pre-Middle-er. You’re likely to:
Put up photos onto Facebook of overworked food made from complicated recipes so as to legitimise another Saturday night in: “Chillied sea bass with crushed new potatoes and Spring green vegetables from our local market. Thank you Jamie Oliver! Nom nom!!”
Listen to Liza Tarbuck on Radio 2 and think her quirky sideways look at life is rather wonderful.
Should anyone younger than you have a story that’s vaguely hedonistic about Ibiza/Glastonbury/drug taking, nod sagely and burst out with a quick “yes, yes we always go there, we constantly do that” thus killing all anecdote telling buzz and making things go flat.
You can remember when Hugh Laurie had an English accent.
Get a warm buzzy feeling when you receive the latest Lakeland Plastics catalogue.
Feel anxious when you see a “50 books to read before you die” list and realise that you have just time to plough through the list if you commit to one a year for the rest of your life.
Use hashtags on a Facebook status.
Admit that the thought of listening to a brass band on a village green in a deckchair on a sunny evening is suddenly very poetic and appealing to you.
Have ample supply of aluminium foil, cling film and freezer bags. Score an extra point if you own, and know the proper use for, greaseproof paper.
Walk around Topshop with a “I’m from Head Office” severe look on your face in case someone finds you faintly ridiculous, or thinks you’re someone’s mother.
Really feel that Red and InStyle magazine are totally on your wavelength and their readers’ promotions have got a lot better recently.
Have a ribbon drawer.
Wish to join your local garden centre’s loyalty scheme
Experience a trying few weeks in October as you move from white to red wine.
Leave parties before midnight.
Think Sandy Toksvig is jolly funny AND clever.
Conduct a little casual online research on botox.
Pledge to spend some more time discovering NEW herbal teas!!
Have a nagging feeling that you should join a Wine Club.
Discover someone in your team at work was born in the 90s.
Remember watching the following TV shows as a child; Blossom, My Two Dads, Charles in Charge, Gentle Ben.
Develop a strategy for the use and storage of towels at home. Be dismayed when towels are still hung on back of doors or, worse, over a radiator.
Realise that some teaspoons give you a jolt of happiness more than others when you make a cup of tea.
Feel a sense of pure contentment when the Ocado shop arrives. Extra point if you feel maternal towards the driver.
Please do let me know your score and anything that you do that you think is a bit Pre-Middle Aged.